Christmas Decorations Approved After Being Confirmed As ‘Primarily About Discount Televisions’
A UK shopping centre finally gets approval for Christmas decorations after proving the display promotes discounted TVs, not religion.
OXFORD, UK —After a three-week internal review, the Meadowbrook Shopping Centre has finally been granted permission to display a Christmas tree… but only after submitting written assurances that the installation poses “minimal theological risk” and is “unequivocally commercial in nature.”
Officials confirmed the green light was given once the centre proved the tree’s primary purpose was “to drive consumer engagement around discounted electronics” and not to promote the birth of a Nazarene carpenter.
According to documents seen by The Rambutan, legal clearance was finally issued once Meadowbrook’s lawyers clarified that the proposed display would include:
a man in a jumper smiling at an air fryer
Wise Men that appear hourly to offer 30% off small appliances
and a fully operational “Deals Grotto” where customers can sit on a manager’s lap and ask for a 55” 4K television under £299.
The display will be titled “The Miracle of 0% APR”, with a small plaque stating: This installation is intended to celebrate shared seasonal consumer values. Any resemblance to hope, joy, or spiritual meaning is purely coincidental.
“We’ve replaced Baby Jesus with a limited-time Samsung offer,” said Meadowbrook’s marketing manager Zoe Barnett. “And our creche now features the holy trinity of consumerism: Buy One, Get One Free, Click & Collect, and Free Shipping.”
Legal advisors later confirmed that Santa Claus is officially classified as a “non-denominational seasonal mascot” due to his associations with Coca-Cola, while his sleigh was rebranded as an Amazon fulfilment vehicle. “He’s less a religious figure, more a red-suited brand ambassador for late capitalism,” said the council’s seasonal inclusion officer.
Reaction from shoppers has been muted, with most expressing mild confusion but appreciation for the 30% off smartphones.
“I wasn’t really paying attention to the decorations,” said one customer while wrestling another shopper for a half-price Ninja blender. “But if baby Jesus has been turned into a cashback voucher, I’m not offended.”
Muslim, Sikh, Hindu, and atheist shoppers surveyed unanimously agreed they “couldn’t care less what it’s called” and just hoped they could find a parking space and that they could get the escalators to start working again.
The only protest came from a single man wearing a “Keep the Christ in Christmas” hoodie who was gently removed by mall security for attempting to hang a star over the entrance.
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