Epstein Coverage Generates Enough Content to Distract Nation from Literally Everything Else
Congress halts legislative duties as Epstein coverage dominates national attention. Protesters too distracted to care.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the release of explosive documents related to the Jeffrey Epstein case, Americans across the political spectrum became so collectively absorbed in online conspiracy theories, Reddit threads, and grainy party photos from 2002 that Congress quietly canceled its entire legislative calendar for the week.
With the public consumed by speculation over names in court documents, flight logs, and never-before-seen guest lists, the House and Senate reportedly agreed to “just take the week off and see what happens.”
The Epstein document dump has proven more effective at commanding national attention than war, recession, or Super Bowl ad leaks combined.
One anonymous staffer confessed, “We were about to vote on a $1.7 trillion bill with 19,000 pages nobody read, but then someone showed Rep. Gaetz a meme of Bill Gates on Epstein’s island and the whole chamber just kind of… wandered off.”
Across the country, Americans have become gripped by investigative fervor not seen since the “Is Avril Lavigne a Clone?” controversy of 2014. Offices report steep drops in productivity, as workers huddle in break rooms watching TikToks that begin with the phrase “Not enough people are talking about this…”
“I had a midterm today,” said college sophomore Jessica Monroe. “But then I saw Prince Andrew trending, and next thing I knew, it was dark outside and I hadn’t eaten in eleven hours.”
With approval ratings already at subterranean levels and zero public interest in actual legislation, both chambers of Congress mutually agreed to initiate a rarely used procedural rule allowing lawmakers to vanish for 3–5 news cycles while the nation hyper-fixates on something spicy.
“This is the most unified the House has been in years,” said Speaker of the House Mike Johnson. “Right, left, libertarians, socialists. We all agree that now’s a great time to sneak out the back door while everyone’s yelling about who was on which private jet.”
He added, “Besides, we’ve already missed most of December, so this saves us the trouble of pretending to govern.”
Capitol Hill sources said senators were last seen entering into unmarked black SUVs, while a sign was hung on the Capitol’s front steps reading: “Be Back Once the Internet Calms Down.”
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