Indonesia Puts Up Giant Christmas Tree, UK Launches Inquiry
UK delegation sent to Jakarta to investigate public Christmas celebration. Report shelved after discovering no one was offended.
LONDON – Panic spread through Westminster this week as images surfaced of a giant Christmas tree erected in the heart of Jakarta, Indonesia. The 40-foot structure was flanked by LED snowflakes, a mechanical Santa that waved hourly, and a child choir singing “Jingle Bells” in three languages. The UK Government responded by launching a full-scale inquiry into how such a thing could happen without cultural collapse.
“We’ve been monitoring the situation closely,” said a Home Office spokesperson. “At first we assumed the footage was AI-generated. But it appears real. Indonesia seems to be celebrating Christmas… without rebranding it as ‘Winter Lights Season.’”
Sources confirm a fact-finding delegation was deployed to Jakarta within hours.
Led by Sir Malcolm Featherstone, the UK’s “Cultural Sensitivity Emergency Response Unit” landed in Jakarta last Friday. Their first stop was a mega-mall, where they were immediately confronted with the unthinkable.
“There were children queuing for Santa,” said Featherstone. “Openly. In daylight. Muslim families were… smiling. Taking photos. There were reindeer statues. And no one was protesting. We had to sit down.”
The team collected evidence including mall signage, festive cookies, and interviews with locals who insisted they were not offended, confused, or being culturally erased.
“These people seem to understand something we don’t,” said Dr. Avril Wainscot, a Diversity Compliance Consultant flanking the delegation. “They’re somehow… coexisting with cultural difference… and moving on with their lives. It’s deeply troubling.”
The delegation returned to Britain this week, where initial drafts of their report were titled “Evidence That Christmas Might Be Fine After All.” However, the title was later changed to “Preliminary Observations on Seasonal Festive Behaviour in Southeast Asia: A Multi-Faith Risk Assessment” due to “internal sensitivities.”
A Whitehall source confirmed the report will not be published in full, citing concerns that it “may embolden the public to say Merry Christmas.”
The Home Office announced plans to “quietly monitor” other offending nations who celebrate Christmas without rebranding it as “Inclusive Seasonal Time.” Countries on the watchlist include Lebanon, Egypt, and Jordan.
Meanwhile, back in Jakarta, the Christmas tree remains standing. Mariah Carey continues to echo from speaker systems. No one has filed a complaint. And life, against all odds, continues.
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