Indonesia to Replace VC Firms with Vending Machines That Dispense Funding at Random
Indonesia launches vending machines that randomly dispense startup funding, replacing VC firms in an experiment to improve capital allocation.
JAKARTA — Indonesia announced this week that it will officially dissolve all domestic venture capital firms and replace them with vending machines that randomly dispense startup funding to whomever can press the button fastest.
The new machines will be rolled out across Jakarta’s co-working spaces, startup cafés, and select upscale mall food courts, allowing aspiring founders to win up to IDR 20 billion in seed capital by simply selecting their startup category (options include: Fintech, Edtech, Medtech, Othertech, and “Something With AI”) and then mashing the big red button labeled “Disrupt.”
“We’ve removed the bureaucracy, and the panels of ex-consultants pretending to understand innovation,” said spokesperson Lestari Yudhono during a press briefing outside a GoWork location. “Now, if you want funding, you just show up, hit the button, and pray to the algorithm.”
Startups no longer need to demonstrate market fit, customer interest, or even a functioning product. Instead, the system will randomly allocate capital based on a proprietary algorithm trained on historical VC behavior, startup hype cycles, and TikTok engagement metrics.
“Let’s be honest,” said special advisor Andika Harsono, “this is basically how traditional VC already works. We just removed the meetings.”
Critics argue that the machines may end up funding scams, hobby projects, or someone’s third attempt at a crypto-based loyalty card. In response, Yudhono clarified: “So do actual VC firms.”
In the pilot phase, 10 ‘Fund-O-Matic’ machines were installed across Jakarta. Within 48 hours, the machines had issued funding to a wide range of recipients, including:
A man claiming to be developing a “digital twin for gorengan vendors”
A house cat named Sultan who accidentally stepped on the button
A 19-year-old with a sketchpad full of app ideas and zero intention of building any of them
“I didn’t even mean to press it,” said Budi, a local barista who stumbled upon the machine while looking for a power outlet. “But then this suitcase of money popped out and said I had Series A funding. Now I guess I’m a founder?”
Officials dismissed concerns about misallocated funds, stating: “Even if the cat doesn’t scale, it has stronger fundamentals than most pitch decks we’ve seen.”
The announcement has enraged Indonesia’s venture capital community, which accused the government of undermining the industry’s sacred rituals, like pretending to understand blockchain, and giving out advice that is basically just a summary of a Paul Graham blog post.
“This is an attack on our way of life,” said Arya Mahardika, a partner at Djakarta Horizon Ventures. “We’ve spent years fine-tuning our ability to say ‘come back when you have traction’ while investing in literally anything with the word ‘AI’ in it. Now what are we supposed to do? Get real jobs?”
Some VCs are considering installing their own counter-vending machines that will only release funding if the user scans a Stanford diploma, and has already failed at least one startup.
Despite backlash, the officials remain firm. “Venture capital has always been about throwing money at things and hoping something sticks,” said Yudhono. “We’ve simply made that literal.”
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