Khamenei Flees Iran for Sadiq Khan’s Spare Bedroom in East London
Iran’s Supreme Leader reportedly flees to London and is now staying in Mayor Sadiq Khan’s spare bedroom amid rising unrest and global controversy.
LONDON — Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has reportedly fled Tehran under cover of night, arriving late Monday at Sadiq Khan’s East London residence, where he is now being housed in a spare bedroom.
The unexpected relocation comes just days after the U.S. extracted Venezuela’s Nicolás Maduro in a surprise military operation, prompting autocrats worldwide to review their exit plans. Khamenei, citing “growing instability, and ungrateful citizens,” allegedly booked a one-way ticket via Turkish Airlines under the name “Al K. Man.”
Sources at Heathrow confirmed he breezed through immigration after declaring himself a “non-violent ideological refugee in search of halal breakfast options and multicultural urban planning.”
Mayor Sadiq Khan, who reportedly greeted the Supreme Leader with warm hummus, defended his decision to offer sanctuary. “London is a city of sanctuary,” he declared, “and my guest room is a microcosm of that. Last week it hosted an Afghan TikTok influencer evading Taliban copyright law.”
Khamenei’s arrival has stirred mild unease in Westminster, but Londoners remain largely unfazed. Residents of Tower Hamlets reported sightings of “a suspiciously serene elderly man” wandering the high street muttering about “Zionist infiltrators” and “the inherent contradictions of Western decadence.”
“He’s surprisingly quiet,” Khan noted. “He doesn’t say much unless BBC Persia is on. Though we did have a tense moment when I suggested we order chicken korma instead of lamb.”
Critics on the right have accused Khan of sheltering a figure synonymous with repression, extremism, and mandatory dress codes.
“Well,” Khan replied, “so is the Royal Ascot, and nobody’s airstriking that.”
Sources close to the exiled cleric say he originally considered Moscow, but ultimately chose East London for its “strong record of religious accommodation, low-visibility policing, and the local imam-to-sushi restaurant ratio.”
Back in Iran, officials have denied the Supreme Leader’s departure, insisting he remains “firmly seated at the heart of the Islamic Republic’s eternal revolutionary path”, though state TV has since replaced his speeches with reruns of a Turkish soap opera about Ottoman tax collectors.
When asked whether he planned to return to Iran, Khamenei was allegedly non-committal.
“It depends,” he reportedly muttered from behind the frosted glass of Khan’s en suite, “on whether Jeremy Corbyn has space in his shed.”
Despite the uncertainty, at time of publication, Khamenei was spotted browsing property listings in Barking, telling an estate agent he was "looking for somewhere modest, secluded, and not near a gay bakery."
We write the headlines that haven’t happened yet, but probably will. Subscribe to The Rambutan for Southeast Asia’s sharpest fake news.