HR Department Issues Approved List of Festive Greetings, All of Which Mean Nothing
HR issues a holiday policy so inclusive, it includes nothing. “Merry Christmas” now a risk. Staff advised to say “Happy End-of-Year Event”.
LONDON — The HR department at Middleton & Crane LLP has issued a new internal memo listing the approved seasonal greetings for the holiday period. As of this morning, staff are permitted to say “Acknowledgement of Time Passing” and “Neutral End-of-Year Recognition Event.”
The phrase “Merry Christmas,” however, now falls under the company’s Potentially Exclusive Language category, requiring a signed declaration that the sender has “no intent to impose cultural norms, religious narratives, or personal joy upon others.”
“We are committed to inclusion,” said HR Manager Paula Timsley. “And that includes protecting people from the dangers of festive specificity.”
Employees are encouraged to replace any traditional greetings with options from the company’s newly issued “Seasonal Inclusivity Language Framework,” featuring such gems as:
“Have a Satisfactory Year-End Interval”
“Enjoy Your Winter Circumstance”
“Happy Gregorian Transition Cycle”
In the interest of consistency, the office tree will be referred to as the Biodecorated Symbol of Seasonal Awareness, and Secret Santa will now operate as Anonymised Gift Redistribution Exercise (AGRE).
The HR department clarified that the tree would be lit using neutral LEDs, and decorations must be in non-religious, non-cultural, and preferably grey tones.
Several staff have expressed confusion about the changes, though only anonymously.
“I tried to say ‘Merry Christmas’ to a client on a Zoom call, and suddenly a compliance officer materialised behind me,” whispered one project manager, who asked to be referred to only as “Employee 147”.
According to internal polling, 92% of staff do not find “Merry Christmas” offensive. The remaining 8% were unclear on what the question meant but agreed that offence is always potentially present.
Middleton & Crane’s senior leadership praised the rollout as “a step toward cultural disintegration harmony,” and promised that similar linguistic protocols would soon be applied to Easter, birthdays, and “any expressions of unsolicited human connection.”
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