Myanmar State Media Declares Election a Success Hours Before It Begins
Myanmar’s state media declares election a “success” hours before polls open, citing unanimous support and zero participation issues.
NAYPYIDAW — Myanmar’s state-run media has declared the nation’s general election a ‘resounding success’ a full 14 hours before polls even opened, citing “unprecedented turnout, zero irregularities, and a deeply heartfelt consensus in favor of stability.”
Election Commission officials were reportedly seen clinking teacups and toasting to “the smoothest election in Southeast Asian history,” while ballots were still in sealed boxes and voters remained blissfully asleep, unaware they had already participated in democratic history.
“The people have spoken. Technically, they will speak… but spiritually, they already have,” declared Election Commission spokesperson U Hla Moe Win during a live pre-election celebration in front of an empty polling station.
Asked if voting might influence the final result, U Hla Moe Win clarified, “Of course not. The people’s choice is obvious. Look how calm everything is. That’s democracy: silent, efficient, and tidy.”
The Election Commission also released a pie chart showing 97% support for the ruling party, and 3% for miscellaneous “nationally constructive forces.”
A “Victory Parade for the People’s Voice” rolled through downtown Naypyidaw on the eve of the election. Floats of smiling cardboard cutouts of victorious candidates were driven past a stunned public, many of whom were still unsure which day they were supposed to vote.
Military brass and celebrity monks were paraded on golden elephants, waving banners that read “Mission Accomplished,” “Thank You For Your Unanimous Support,” and “We Were Going To Win Anyway.”
Asked whether such a move might be perceived as premature, a parade official responded, “No. It’s post-mature. We are so far ahead of time, we’re already preparing for the next election. The 2030 polls are going to be just as successful, we can feel it.”
The Global New Light of Myanmar proudly ran a front-page headline: “People’s Mandate Delivered Peacefully, Heroically, and Unanimously in Record Time.”
The article praised the lack of any opposition disturbances, noted the swift transmission of power from the current administration to, coincidentally, itself, and applauded “the people’s resilience in achieving unity, without the hassle of actually needing to vote.”
International observers were less enthusiastic. One diplomat, speaking under anonymity (and three layers of diplomatic immunity), commented, “I’m not sure how they tallied results before the polls opened. Either they’re time-travelers or the ballots were pre-literate.”
When asked to respond to such criticism, a government spokesperson said, “That’s fake news. We didn’t declare victory early. The election started late. Time is a colonial construct.”
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Absolutely hilarious takedown of authoritarian theater. The line about 'time is a colonial construct' as a defense for declaring results early hit perfectly becuase it satirizes how regimes weaponize post-colonial rhetoric to deflect legitmate criticism. Worked in journalisim covering sham elections, and the victory parade *before* voting is disturbingly close to real tactics we saw. The cardboard cutouts and golden elephants capture that surreal performative legitimacy thing dictatorships do when they've given up pretending.