Trump Invades Greenland, Renames It ‘Orange Land’
Greenland is renamed Orange Land after a formal announcement from Trump, with officials insisting the move is “very legal.”
NUUK, GREENLAND — President Donald J. Trump announced today that U.S. forces had “peacefully but strongly” invaded Greenland and that the island would henceforth be known as Orange Land.
Speaking at a press conference, Trump declared victory over the “icy, underdeveloped, and frankly very underbranded” territory, while unveiling a provisional flag depicting a tangerine sun rising over an empty golf course.
“They told me Greenland wasn’t for sale,” said Trump.
“So I said, ‘Fine, we’ll do it the old-fashioned way… like Columbus.’ And here we are. It’s a beautiful piece of land. Cold, but big. Very big.”
Sources close to Trump say the plan was developed over a three-day brainstorming session at Mar-a-Lago with minimal input from the Pentagon.
“We were watching Frozen again and Don Jr. said, ‘Why don’t we own this place?’” said an unnamed senior adviser. “It escalated from there.”
The “invasion force” consisted of a MAGA-branded icebreaker rented from a Russian oligarch, and Kanye West in a snowmobile suit. No shots were fired, though one drone did drop pamphlets reading “Now Accepting Trump Bucks!” across a 2-mile radius of uninhabited glacier.
Greenland’s government issued a brief statement: “No.”
Officials in Copenhagen responded with what Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen called “measured disbelief,” issuing a statement reading, “Greenland is still part of the Kingdom of Denmark.”
NATO, for its part, has declined to intervene for now, citing “strategic fatigue,” although a leaked memo revealed that Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg referred to the invasion as “genuinely on-brand.”
Russia offered to mediate the dispute, suggesting a compromise in which Greenland is renamed “Snow Trumpovich” in exchange for three hotel franchises in Murmansk.
Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney, when asked to comment, simply sighed and muttered, “Again?”
At the end of the press event, Trump teased future acquisitions.
“We’re looking at parts of Canada, maybe that big desert in Australia. Honestly, nobody’s doing anything with Antarctica. It’s just sitting there. No buildings. No deals. Sad.”
Asked what would happen if Denmark objected further, Trump assured reporters:
“We’ve got lawyers. And if not, we’ve got boats. Big boats. Icebreakers. You’ll see.”
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Brillaint satire here. The tangerine sun flag detail is perfect absurdism, especially the "empty golf course" bit that somehow makes the whole thing feel more plausible. I remeber when the real Greenland purchase talk happened and thinking how impossible it'd be to brand something that cold with the Trump aesthetic, but the "Orange Land" solution is kinda genius in that specific stupid way.