UK Adds Diversity Officer to Santa’s Sleigh
Britain introduces new inclusion guidelines for Santa Claus, requiring a DEI officer to oversee Christmas gift delivery.
LONDON — The UK government has announced that all Santa Claus operations within British airspace must now include a certified Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) Officer on board the sleigh to ensure that gift delivery is carried out in a manner compliant with current equality standards.
The new policy was introduced following a report titled “Reindeer, Representation and Repair: Toward a More Equitable Christmas.”
Effective immediately, every sleigh operating over the UK must contain:
A DEI-certified Elf (Level 3 or above)
A revised Naughty and Nice List cross-checked against Ofsted safeguarding guidance
A translated, gender-neutral version of “Ho Ho Ho”
“The old system was simply unfit for purpose,” said DEI compliance officer Jordan-Lou Wintour (they/them). “We had clear disparities. Boys were getting Nerf guns, girls were getting makeup, and nobody was getting a thorough anti-bias workshop with their stocking.”
Under the new framework, Santa’s Naughty and Nice List must now go through an annual equity audit, reviewed by a panel of behavioural psychologists, and restorative justice advocates.
Previous criteria such as “being rude to your nan” or “kicking a classmate” are now considered “behaviourally situated within systemic contexts.” Naughty designations must first pass a cultural sensitivity review and allow for multi-faith ethical frameworks.
Children previously categorised as “naughty” for setting fire to school supplies, will be re-evaluated under a trauma-informed rubric.
“Labelling children ‘naughty’ without acknowledging structural inequality is violence,” said Professor Devon Myles. “One child’s tantrum is another child’s culturally-valid emotional expression.”
In addition to diversity compliance, the sleigh must now meet Net Zero 2030 emissions targets. The Civil Aviation Authority confirmed that Santa’s reindeer, once celebrated for their eco-credentials, now require carbon offset certificates.
Furthermore, all letters to Santa must now begin with “Dear Santa (he/him or preferred seasonal designation)” to comply with the new guidelines.
When asked how this would impact actual gift delivery, one logistics consultant admitted,
“There will be delays, yes. But they will be equitable delays.”
Children across the country have already begun receiving the new standardised gift package: a multilingual hand warmer, a 41-page inclusive colouring book, and a voucher for one meaningful session with a social worker.
We write the headlines that haven’t happened yet, but probably will. Subscribe to The Rambutan for Southeast Asia’s sharpest fake news.