Archive - The Rambutan

Bill Gates Clarifies Epstein Meetings Were For Completely Normal Billionaire Reasons

Bill Gates uses billionaire logic to explain Epstein meetings, baffling everyone who still believes explanations should explain things.

Jun 18 • Leigh McKiernon

Free Nutritious Meals Program Praised for Teaching Children Food-Safety Risk Assessment

Indonesia’s free meals program is being praised for teaching children to inspect suspicious lunches with the precision of trained forensic…

Jun 17 • Leigh McKiernon

Pertamax Price Hike Praised As Innovative Plan To Encourage Walking

A sudden Pertamax price hike becomes Indonesia’s most effective fitness campaign, turning fuel anxiety into cardio across Jakarta and beyond.

Jun 15 • Leigh McKiernon

Tourist Visa Reduced To 30 Days After Officials Discover Visitors Become Annoying In 12

Thailand’s new visa policy promises to welcome tourists warmly, then send them home before they start explaining Thailand to Thai people.

Jun 14 • Leigh McKiernon

Security Personnel Deployed To Protect Nation From Dangerous Students Holding Posters

Thousands of officers descend on Jakarta to contain the terrifying democratic threat of students holding signs and asking awkward questions.

Jun 14 • Leigh McKiernon

Millions Of Americans Shocked To Learn U.S. Soccer Team Apparently Pretty Good Now

Millions of confused Americans discover the US soccer team might be good, forcing the nation to learn offsides and pretend it always cared.

Jun 13 • Leigh McKiernon

Hotel Owner Shocked To Learn ‘Maximum Occupancy’ Was Not A Target

A guesthouse owner discovers fire safety rules are not motivational targets after officials explain that “maximum” means stop, not dream bigger.

Jun 13 • Leigh McKiernon

World Cup Pub Boom Predicted As Economists Discover Men Will Buy Lager During Football

Britain faces a possible pub spending surge after experts discover televised football may trigger spontaneous pint-buying among adult men.

Jun 13 • Leigh McKiernon

Economists Confirm ₱1,000 Bill Now Technically A Coupon

Economists confirm the ₱1,000 bill is now technically a coupon after Filipino shoppers notice it no longer survives a single grocery run.

Jun 12 • Leigh McKiernon

KPK Forced To Build Drive-Thru Lane After Too Many Officials Show Up

Indonesia’s corruption season gets a convenience upgrade as KPK builds a drive-thru lane for officials arriving faster than staff can process.

Jun 11 • Leigh McKiernon

Far-Right Protesters Shocked To Learn Burning Things Does Not Improve Local Community

Residents express surprise that destroying public infrastructure has not improved their quality of life, despite repeated assurances from angry men.

Jun 11 • Leigh McKiernon

Malaysia Tests Social Media Age By Asking For Three 90s Songs

Malaysia’s new age-verification policy asks users to identify the Nokia ringtone, instantly exposing teenagers and confused millennials.

Jun 11 • Leigh McKiernon

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